I would also prefer that people not laugh at my expense.
Oh fine then. I shall present you with a copy and paste of the ninja story. I can't find where I actually posted it, to be able to link it. Here you go. Don't laugh too hard.
Much screaming could be heard as a village was slowly being razed by a group of shadowy figures. Some villagers were struck down as they ran around aimlessly and the attackers didn't seem to take any prisoners. A messenger reported this news to Lord Gamachi. He was the head of the hironobu ninja sect in northern Japan. The village that was razed was about 30 miles west of the castle. A the current moment the best thing he could think to do was call on his most trusted ninja.
The ninja that he would call upon was not like most ninjas. His name was Gohru. He would have been trained in the arts of nijutsu and was the most capable ninja under Gamachi’s services.
"Gohru, I have need for your services"
"On my way, my lord"
Gamachi explained the events to Gohru and assigned him on a mission. It was to go to burnt village and pursue any information that may lead to the identity and whereabouts of the culprits of the massacre.
"I shall pursue the matter immediately, my lord"
Unlike most ninja that wielded a katana, Gohru used a large staff for inflicting damage, however he would often slay an unsuspecting enemy with his bare hands, before he even had any need of using it.
Several hours had past until Gohru reached the decayed village. The flames had all diminished, instead lay rotten wooden remains. After a few minutes of carefully monitoring the village he heard a soft wailing sound from inside some burnt down building. The door had been locked from the outside but had been mostly withered by the flames. Realising this Gohru delivered a powerful kick to what remained of the door and knocked it down. Inside there was a barely alive town peasant.
"What has happened here" Gohru asked.
He slowly told the ninja that a group of ninjas descended from the mountains and were led by a man in body armour who wielded a katana and called himself Shironosuke of the terenzi ninja sect. He questioned the villagers about the whereabouts of an ancient sword called the duliplax. This sword was believed by the villagers to have the power to control demons and Shironosuke sought it. Gohru questioned him further.
"Where is the sword? How can such a weapon exist"
Before he could say anymore, the villager lay back and died.
Whether a sword like that did exist and found the concept of it a little far fetched to take in. There have nevertheless been tales of demons in Japan and reportings of encounters, so he took very seriously what he was told.
There was no such sword to be found in the village however so Gohru pressed on towards the mountains.
As he made his way along a mountainside, Gohru spotted a small number of hooded warriors walking around. As he made his way closer it turned out that they were ninjas. Some wielded dual scythes while others wielded katanas. Gohru carefully sneaked around them and hid behind a rock as one of them walked by. As his back was turned he snuck up and grabbed him from behind. He then slammed him onto the ground placed his knee on his chest and staff on his throat. Gohru questioned him about what they were doing here and why they were after the sword. He wouldn't tell Gohru anything as a ninja was trained not too, so realising he would get nothing from him Gohru pushed the staff hard into his neck and twisted it, ending him.
Gohru would then need to make his was past the other ninjas. There weren't that many of them and they could be dealth with easily enough. He once again snuck up behind a katana wielding ninja and used his arms to slowly choke the life out of him. As he laid his body down Gohru rolled forwards and then lay prone on the ground and slowly crawled along under relatively high grass that happened to be there. As a ninja passed by he grabbed him by the ankle and tugged it hard so he would collapse to the ground. Gohru then planted his knee into his spine while he grabbed his head and tugged it back really hard. This smashed his spine in many places, leaving him dead. As another ninja was about to spot him, Gohru took out his staff and struck the ninja in the stomach really hard. When he lay seriously injured on the ground he bashed it off the base of his skull killing him instantly. He then carefully sneaked past the remaining ninja.
After a few hours Gohru reached a forest. Many leaves had fallen and there were several branches on trees which he could use to leap around on to stay out of some enemies paths. As a group of ninja appeared Gohru climbed up onto a branch and leapt to another few to avoid contact. He spotted a cave entrance just up ahead but several enemy ninja guarded the entrance. Gohru remembered that he had some rice puddings and dropped one close to one of the ninjas. Feeling a bit peckish he moved towards it to try and consume it. As he was about to pick it up, Gohru leaned down while grabbing onto the branch with his legs and yanked the ninja up by the throat and tugged it with enough force that the base of the spine would be dislocated from his brain, killing him. The two other ninja couldn't be easily distracted so Gohru realised that the best thing to do was attack them head on. He sprinted up to them and just as they realised that a hurricane was about to approach them Gohru slid down on the ground and slide tackled one of the guards. As he was on the ground the other ninja tried to attack Gohru but he dodged his blade and swiftly kicked him in the stomach. As he bended down in pain Gohru grabbed him and just as the other ninja was about to impale Gohru with his sword he positioned the guy he grabbed in front of the blade so he would be impaled instead. After this Gohru grabbed that assailant by the arm and impaled him on his own sword.
As Gohru made his way inside the cave, he noticed noticed that there wasn't much hostility inside. He eventually heard voices. There was talk of the sword duliplax sword. As he peeked in Gohru saw the sword being wielded by the guy who fight the description of Shironosuke. He talked about needing to be somewhere to raise an army of demons and that he was leaving shortly. Gohru could not let him get to where he needed to be. There were three other warriors guarding Shironosuke but Gohru knew that he must face them all anyway.
As Gohru stepped in front of them Shironosuke commended him on getting this far
"impressive, not many people can overcome my elite ninja, but it is now time for you to die"
Gohru replied "for your heinous acts you will be the one who meets the afterlife"
As the three warriors advanced on Gohru, Shironosuke made his way outside. It appeared that he would have to deal with the immediate threat first and him later.
One of the warriors wielded a chain mace, two relatively small daggers lied in the hands of another and the final warrior carried a large hammer. Gohru darted after the guy with the hammer and clenched it as he took a swing at him, Gohru then kicked the dagger wielder in the chest, recoiling him back but the chain mace wielding warrior managed to wound him by making it connect with his rib cage but it was only a light strike compared to what it could have been. This knocked Gohru down and he no longer had a grip on the hammer. Instead it was raised in front of him and ready to strike, but he quicky moved out of the way before it crushed him. Gohru was in quite a bit of pain but he had been trained to ignore it and grabbed his staff and as the chain mace was about to strike him again he prevented it from doing so as it tangled around Gohru’s staff instead. He then gave a strong tug on it and dragged the holder of the chain mace towards him. The guy with the daggers recovered and took a few swings at Gohru with them so he had no choice but to drop the staff and move away. The daggers made contact with his body but only barely grazed the flesh. Gohru then managed to be able to grab both his arms before he made contact with him again. He twisted his arms and head butted him. Then drop kicked him in the face, sending him crashing down. Gohru then immediately crouched down as the hammer was swung at him and as the wielder was left vulnerable he grabbed the hammer once more and swerved him around so he wouldn't be in the line of the chain mace this time. Gohru kicked the holder of the hammer in the knee, this caused him to drop down in which case he then wrestled the hammer from his grip, kicked him back and then struck him with it, killing him instantly. In pain Gohru quickly blocked the next strike from the chain mace with the hammer but this caused it to be destroyed. Using what strength he had left, Gohru grabbed the chain in the air and pulled the attacker towards him. They closed in and eventually approached each other face to face. Within striking distance, Gohru managed to punch the enemy in the face, he quickly let go of the chain mace and they both exchanged blows with each other. The enemy was no match for Gohru in a hand to hand battle but the guy he had recently drop kicked had risen. He went to reach for his daggers, Gohru kicked back the other attacker and left him a damaged mess. He got struck on the arm by one of the daggers but fuelled with adrenaline and rage he ignored the pain and leaped into the air delivering a powerful kick to his right temple. The enemy on the verge of death Gohru finished him off with a firm stamp on his throat. He then ran towards the other guy, roundhouse kicked him, punched him a few more times, then grabbed him by the head and gave him a good hard knee to the nose. This sent cartilage into his brain, killing him.
Gohru’s work here had been done.
He must pursue Shironosuke before he could accomplish his plan.
Gohru left the cave and made his way back to Gamachi's castle, where he notified him about what was happening. Shironosuke was to take the duliplax sword to an ancient tomb where he would summon demonic minions to do his bidding. He would then have a formidable force at his disposal and use it to wreak havoc on Japan. Neither Gamachi or Gohru wanted to believe such a thing was possible but they knew it could be true.
A few days had passed and Gohru had been quickly nursed back to health. He was to lead a battalion of ninjas to where Shironosuke was to be and stop him.
They all left on horseback and made their way to the region where their opponent was. Gohru noticed that the are they approached was similar to what Shironosuke described " we must be here" he said. Out of nowhere the sky filled with arrows and they rained down on Gohru and his men, killing most of them. The few that were alive including Gohru charged forward and noticed that a group of enemy ninja were preparing to fire more arrows. They didn't get the chance this time however as Gohru and his men assaulted them. Gohru decimated many of them with his staff and fighting abilities and his allies made short work of the rest. The enemy didn't have much means to defend themselves as they were using bow and arrows.
After they were defeated Gohru ran forward. He could spot Shironosuke as well as a few other of his warriors. They were in a spot where a chant was heard as Shironosuke raised his sword. He was trying to perform the ritual.
His guards drew their weapons and went to battle Gohru and his men. They were a skilful group of enemies and some of Gamachi's ninja were defeated. Gohru managed to hold his own however and defeat a few of them, through a series of staff combos and powerful kicks. Sadly all of Gohru’s allies remained.
He ran towards Shironosuke and knocked him to the ground. He managed to successfully kick Gohru off him and he struck him with the duliplax sword but he managed to block it with his staff. The chant had been interrupted. Gohru kicked him but he was wearing armour, so it didn't have much effect. He blocked a few other of his strikes with his staff and backed away. He was a well trained oppononent. Gohru backed away and studies his opponent. They both starred at each other until Shironsuke decided to lunge forward with the sword. Gohru dodged it and struck him in the leg with his staff. He fell down to a couched position. Gohru then took another strike at his back and knocked him face first onto the ground. His armour shielded most of the impact but shattered in the process. Just as Gohru was about to deliver another strike he threw sand up into his eyes and blinded him temporarily. He then got back up and took the shattered armour off him. He could move faster without it but would be left more vulnerable. Gohru swung his staff as Shironosuke took another swipe with his sword. The force of Gohru’s blow shattered the sword. It was now useless. The demons could not be raised. Shironosuke had a disgusted enraged look on his face. Realising he was now without a weapon Gohru sheathed his staff and decided to take his opponent on hand to hand as it was the honourable thing to do.
Shironosuke lunged towards Gohru and threw a few punches and kicks. He was fast and precise but Gohru successfully blocked his blows. They then both grappled each other and Shironosuke managed to throw Gohru onto the ground. He had been trained in both Karate and jujitsu. Gohru managed to kick up into the air while on the ground and a blow connected with Shironosuke's ribs, causing him to be stunned for a few small moments, in which case Gohru got back up onto his feet and went for a low kick which he managed to avoid, he then when for a mid section kick which he partially blocked but still sustained some pain. They both paused for a while before deciding to run at each other. Both warriors grappled each other to the ground. Both had extensive grappling abilities and they wrestled each other fiercely and intensely. After a few moments passed Korina managed to lock his legs around Shironosuke's abdomen. He proceeded to grab him around the throat with his arms. Just as his life was about to end Shironosuke noticed a piece of his shattered sword on the ground. He picked it up and stabbed Gohru in the leg. With his grip released Shironosuke had managed to get up on his feet. He was still fiercely out of breath and very weakened. Gohru bounced back up and as Shironosuke was about to stab him with the blade again, he grabbed his arm, proceeded to snap it, this caused him to yelp out in pain. He then flipped him over and when he was on the ground Gohru dropped onto his chest, embedding both knees into his rib cage, breaking a few. He coughed up blood and said
"damn you, ninja swine"
Gohru replied "your time is up"
He then placed both hands on his throat and and slowly crushed it, ending Shironosuke's life. Gohru’s mission completed, he headed home.