Flashback Friday. thought this would be in "everything else". apparently not
I got the sudden urge to do an "introduction" of sorts since I. never really properly did introduce myself. Also I've changed a lot over time and I know not a single person on here knows (or knew) very much about me. I may or may not end up deleting this halfway through typing it, because I'm fucking terrified of telling people about myself now. If you read that, then it's pretty safe to assume I didn't end up changing my mind. Also this **** is gonna be disorganized as **** so get ready. "structure" is for losers
Hi it's me, the forum "thing". the bowl of soup. I'm 20 years old (until later this year I guess), I live in california, and I'm struggling to get by. Remember when I called myself "pan-romantic demisexual"? That's... probably still accurate, but I don't care. I tend to just say "I'm gay" nowadays because whatever. Am I still a guy, or am I a girl now? I don't care. I'm "whatever". I don't care enough about anything enough to be strictly this or that. I've kinda given up on labels because I don't.... care anymore. I have nothing against people using labels for themselves though. They were pretty important to me and helped me figure myself out a while back. Nowadays it's just "eh" though. fun fact actually: there was a time a bit ago that I identified as strictly female. never told you guys because I was fucking terrified to. I think campion knew this actually though but yeah. There's one more thing I might want to reveal about myself (and it's probably the biggest most important thing people should know about me), but honestly I'm. scared to. I may or may not. we'll see if I feel like it after typing out some other ****.
I mainly lurk on here now. I've... grown pretty distant in general honestly. There aren't many people I really talk to besides my boyfriend (who I live with) and a small skype group I'm a part of. I'll talk to other people if they message me first, but I'm not very good at it. I also tend to say a lot of really, really weird **** that I do NOT want to slip in a conversation with someone who isn't used to hearing that ****. For example: "Diaper sans is in my house and he's trying to kill me because he owes me $20 and doesn't want to pay up but I've got a freezer I can shove him in so he doesn't bother me... he's just too slippery for me to grab and it's making things a little hard to deal with" (joking about diaper sans is the new "thing" in my group of friends). I WISH I could say this stuff to other people and have their response just be "holy **** good luck" and not "WTF O_o??!??!?!?Odiaper sans?! what!!!!!!!!! THE ****!!!!!!!!!". I mean, you guys already knew I said weird ****, but since I've grown more quiet, you guys might've thought I've "grown out of it" or something. Wrong! it has gotten worse. And it's fantastic.
As you might know, I used to make music. I still want to, but motivation was completely lost when I had to change through like 3 different computers and lost quite literally every single thing I was working on. On my current computer, there is one song I've started. At least 2 years ago. maybe 3. I posted a WIP of it a year ago ( click here for it I guess
), and haven't touched it since then. I want to get my motivation back because music was fun but. yeah hasn't happened yet
I still play video games though! that hasn't changed. Mostly dark souls 3/paladins/overwatch/warframe (kill me)/csgo
I don't really know what else to say so I guess I have to decide whether or not I want to. drop the "big"... Guess I'll do it here we go.
So the "biggest most important thing people should know about me" that I mentioned earlier uh. This is something I've known about long before I joined here, and something, for the longest fucking time, I was so ashamed of. Something I felt like I needed to hide. My. mom was a big reason behind this. I'm not going to talk about how she treated me or what she did to me because that's WAY more personal than I want to get, but she was no help. She didn't know what to do, didn't understand it, and treated me very poorly as a result. Didn't understand it one fucking bit. Refused to understand it, actually. Refused to believe it. Fucked me up. Worked against it instead of working with it. etc. whatever. **** that's probably too much whtaever I just fucking realized I haven't even SAID what it is yet. I might end up regretting saying it.
Anyways. The "big" is that I'm autistic. Any "oooooh that explains x"s yet? Yeah. I've actually. mentioned it in passing here a couple times but I don't think I've ever. explicitly stated it before. Being explicit about it is what scares me. It took me a LONG LONG LONG *** time to not be ashamed of it, and I am so, so glad I don't beat myself up over it anymore. I like being like this. I like the way I act, I like the way I think, I like the way I function. I don't hate it anymore. Actually that's not 100% true. more like 99%. There is ONE thing I absolutely fucking hate about it, and it's my inability to properly put my thoughts into words (ESPECIALLY on the spot). One of the worst fucking things is when I'm in an argument, and I'm trying to say something, but the other person responds in way that makes it clear they didn't understand what I meant, and then I start repeating myself. Over, and over, and over, and over again. Because I can't find the right words. I end up getting SO fucking frustrated because they're not understanding me, and because I can't find the right words to use, and I start freaking out, raising my voice, etc. because I just don't know. whta to do. I have this big, huge, clear point in my head that won't fucking come out no matter how hard I try. It doesn't matter if I'm right, even. I can't argue or defend myself for ****. It's very easy to beat me. Ya'll have most fucking definitely seen this in the past and I HATE thinking about it or even remembering it, and what I hate even more is the possibility of someone else who "witnessed" any of it thinking about it. I wish I could forget about. fucking all of that. and I wish everyone else could, too. Sometimes keeps me up at night. I try to. avoid getting into arguments now. because. yeah. I can't do them. The past is actually a big reason I've stopped posting on here much lol. **** #thinking about #things
Abrupt ending. I don't know what else I wanted to say. I'm sure there was more. Oh well. I'm not proofreading this have fun